


I was never gonna be great

by all_that_glitters (orphan_account)



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Under the Red Hood
Genre: Angst, Jason's a total fluffball stfu, Sorry you guys I really just love to torture Bruce and Jay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-11-15 21:08:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11239248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/all_that_glitters
Summary: Jason is convinced to write Bruce a letter telling him exactly what he's done wrong. No, Jay, that's NOT what you were supposed to do.





	I was never gonna be great

**Author's Note:**

> So, in this, I needed someone close to Jason sacrifice himself to save him, and that would push Jay over the edge, and so I chose Roy (sorry, I know, I love him sm tho), and Jason just kills Roy's murderer in cold blood, and that screws up bruce and Jay's relationship further, and so Jason runs off somewhere. Also, there's another Arrow reference, and some Fault in Our Stars references.

Dear Bruce,  
     Dick said I owed it to you to at least explain why I left. I’m not so sure that’s true, but I’m trying to be a better person. So. I’m sorry. I know leaving like I did was reckless and irresponsible, but that seems to be a recurring theme with me, doesn’t it? I don’t regret what I did, at least, and wasn’t it you who always told us to do what we felt was right? Even if it meant no one would stand with you?  
     That doesn’t completely align with the situation, I guess. You never really cared for Roy, I know, but the people who did, they, for the most part, agree with me. And this, leaving, doesn’t feel right, per say, but it definitely doesn’t feel wrong. It was just self-destructive, staying in Gotham, but it took way too long for me to realize it. Anyway. I don’t feel any better, because that’s the thing. Twenty-five years, and the only thing I’ve really learned is that pain demands to be felt. There is no recovering from a trauma, there is only attempting to cover it up, and having it all fail in the end. You can pour layer after layer of concrete over the pain, but the inevitability of human nature insists upon you feeling it, and so, eventually, all that concrete is eroded away, and the pain is back again. And you can’t escape it, not really, but you can try.  
     I guess that’s what I’m doing. I know you taught me to never run from a fight, but I’ve realized that the fight has been one-sided for years, and I’ve been hilariously outgunned for almost that long. I thought I was strong, to be honest. You helped me feel strong, by giving me Robin. I felt like I could push away the emptiness that came with the death of my mom. But that emptiness? It never left. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I’ve had a lot of time to think here, and I realize now that I was giving that emptiness a home. A home behind my mask. And it stayed with me, messing with me in the dark of night, but I was able to push it away during the day, keep a smile for the world. Guess that’s why I was so depressed. Avoiding something only makes it worse in the end, huh?  
     I’ve been screwed up for years, Bruce. Not all of it’s your fault, you know. Sure, a good part of it is, but a lot of the blame rests on Talia's shoulders, and mine. I’ve been fucked up way before the Lazarus Pit even came into question, though all that did was make it impossible for you to avoid handling it anymore. Sorry. I guess I’m still a little bitter. But do you blame me? Having the most important father figure in your life push you away because you’ve got too much baggage for him to handle? What if Alfred left you at this very moment, saying “Quite sorry, but when you were younger, I couldn’t have imagined you turning out to be this much of a monster. I regret staying around as long as I did. All that wasted time and effort, and trust, such a shame.” I bet I know how you’d feel. Crushed. Empty. Betrayed, maybe? Hm.  
     Anyway. Like I said, not all of this is your fault. So don’t blame yourself too much. Even for everything, and hopefully not for nothing, I still love you, old man. Nothing you or I could ever do would ever make me respect and admire you less, even if you’re the most hypocritical pessimistic asshole I’ve ever metin my entire damned life. To put it like Clark Kent did once, “Bruce Wayne is certainly an acquired taste.” But that’s okay. And I’m okay. I’m getting better. The bloodlust is subsiding, after all this time, but I can’t promise you that I’m not going to continue to walk the gray line like Selina. That’s just who I am, who I always have been, and even if people change, some things still stay the same.  
     But I need you to know that I would not hesitate to die for you. No matter what. Because, like Roy, the one thing universally known is this: The essence of heroism is to die so that those you love can live.  
          Jason


End file.
